Letters to Riza
by chille-tiid
Summary: If only his mouth would allow what his heart craves. Roy/Riza, a series of short letters from Roy's point of view. Rated for language
1. Bloom

**Author's note: So this is a series of "letters" from Roy to Riza. They're probably my favorite pairing in anything ever. But um yeah here you go.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist of any of its characters**

It started the first time we fell asleep together.

I slept like a soldier – still do, really – on my back, arms and legs straight as boards. You were lying beside me, trying to keep your eyes open. But your exhaustion took over and you drifted away.

You didn't wrap your arms around me, no; that's not your style. You curled up next to me in the way that you do. Knees bent, arms clutching your chest, cheek pressed against my arm. That's what got me. It was your body, gently resting against mine. I looked down at your face and what I found was grace. You did not look stern or hard or displeased.

You looked like an angel.

Cliché in oh so many ways, I know. But I can't think of a better way to describe it. I'd never seen anyone look so peaceful and innocent. You captivated me.

You captured me.

Something inside me stirred. I felt the need to put my arm around your shoulder, or to brush the hair out of your face. I felt that I should take care of you; protect you – as if you really needed the help or protection, silly of me to even put the thought in my mind. But nevertheless I wanted you to know that I was there.

I didn't do it though, none of those things.

But I just thought you should know.

It all began when we were young, and your father was away, and you looked like an angel.

That was when I began falling in love.

That's all.

**Thanks for reading. I'll have the next chapter up sometime soon. Let me know what you think if you feel so compelled.**


	2. Sometimes

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist of any of its characters**

Sometimes I want to take you out to dinner. It doesn't even have to be some fancy restaurant. Hell, it could even be for coffee. I just want to go out with you. I want us to go places and do stupid things together. I want to make you laugh and smile that smile you think I don't like to see. I want us to relax, forget about work just for a little while.

Sometimes I want to tuck loose strands of hair behind your ears. I love your hair, and I wish I could touch it. I want to run my fingers through it and watch as you close your eyes in contentment. I wish you'd wear it down more often.

Sometimes I annoy you on purpose. I say things that make your eyebrows come together and your eyes to squint. You scold me and I secretly love it. I talk about other women – there are none, I truly hope you know – just to make you jealous. You do a great job of hiding it but I've known you so long I can see it in your eyes. I don't do my paperwork because I like to hear you nag; it reminds me of home.

Sometimes I catch you looking at me. On a day when I'm actually doing paperwork, I see you out of the corner of my eye. You glance up at me from your desk and sigh. It's not audible, no, but I see your shoulders move. Some days you look pleased, probably because I actually get work done. Some days you look downright happy. Forgive my ego, but I do hope it's because you feel the same. Other days you look worried. Perhaps it's because your scared of the life we lead. Perhaps it's your guilt returned. Perhaps it's because you know nothing will ever change for us.

Sometimes I want to call you up in the middle of the night. I just want to hear your voice. I want to know they have gotten you yet. I just want to talk and talk about anything. You'd keep the nightmares away.

Sometimes I wish I could just say this all out loud. I want to scream it out to the world that I fucking love you. I want to grab you by the shoulders and kiss you until we're blue. I want to take you home and lie you down at night. I want to feel your body as you scream my name and I scream yours. I want us to be together. I want to love you.

Sometimes I just can't do it.

At least thoughts of you keep me going.

That's all.

**Thanks for reading. I'll have the next chapter up sometime soon. Let me know what you think if you feel so compelled.**


	3. Dreams

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist of any of its characters**

I dream about you a lot. Most nights it's something I wake up sweating from. But I have good nights, too.

I dream that we don't live in this wretched world. Our world is one of meadows, hills, lakes, and willows. We've got nothing but time and each other. All we do is run together and laugh and lay down in soft beds of flowers. You tell me you love me and I kiss you in response.

Other nights it's just you. There is no world, perfect or wretched. There is only you. It's like we're lying side by side and I'm just looking at you. It's nothing sexual, I promise. But you are absolutely stunning. You're practically glowing.

Those are the dreams I live for.

And yet those are the dreams that come the least.

I don't think I'll ever tell you about the nightmares.

**Thanks for reading. I'll have the next chapter up sometime soon. Let me know what you think if you feel so compelled.**


	4. Sorry

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist of any of its characters**

I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I don't think I can say it enough times.

I'm sorry your father left you with such a heavy burden, and I'm sorry I had to be the one to get rid of it. Maybe it consoles you that I'm haunted by it.

I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry I caused you grief. You of all people didn't deserve it.

I'm sorry that I was selfish. I'm sorry that I dragged you into this mess. I frequently apologize for that one and you repeatedly tell me that it's not my fault. You're wrong, you know.

I'm sorry that I'm such a dick. I don't have any excuses for it. But I'm sorry that you put up with me and also thank you for putting up with me. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but you do. So thanks.

I'm sorry that I had to fall in love you. That's not to say that I regret it. Never would I ever regret even one second of any time spent loving you. I'm only sorry that a scumbag like myself had to fall for a goddess.

I'm just sorry for everything. Any harsh word, or angry action, or any pain that I've caused you, I'm sorry.

I understand if you can't forgive me.

Sorry again.

**Thanks for reading. I'll have the next chapter up sometime soon. Let me know what you think if you feel so compelled.**

**P.S. If any of ya'll have suggestions for upcoming chapters I am all ears. I have one more complete chapter ready to be posted and two in progress. So seriously if there's anything you want to see, message me your ideas. Thanks again**


	5. Away

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist of any of its characters**

I wish I could go back to the beginning of us, back to when we met. You know what I'd do, Riza? I'd take us away. There'd be no soldier's lives for us, no lieutenants, colonels, or otherwise.

I would have stayed longer. We would have declared things once and for all. I'd finally be seeing you as Mrs. Mustang – though I don't think I could bear losing my Hawkeye. I'd take you away from your father, the years of abuse far behind us.

I'd take you out into the countryside. I'd build you a house, anything you ever wanted. We'd settle down, just the two of us. We'd be secluded, just the way we prefer it.

Maybe after a few years we'd have children. You'd be a great mother. There's nothing more I could ask for than to share the gift of a child with you.

We'd raise our kids and grow old together. Maybe they'd have kids of their own. I wouldn't mind being a grandpa.

And then we'd die together. I couldn't ask for a better way to go than with the love of my life. Especially with the prospect of living out eternity together – if you believe in that sort of thing, which in this world we probably would.

So that's it. If I could turn back time that's what would happen.

We'd be free.

We'd be together.

We'd be gone.

**Thanks for reading. Feel free to send in any suggestions for future chapters. Let me know what you think if you feel so compelled.**


	6. Mine

**Author's note: Wow I'm so sorry it has been a really long time since I've updated but I just haven't had any inspiration to write lately. Anyway, this one is super short and sorry about that too but I couldn't think of anything else to write.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters**

I just want to be able to call you mine. Not in the women-are-objects way, because they're not – you're not. And I know you'd either slap the shit out of me or shoot me if I ever said anything of the sort.

But if ever given the chance to clarify I'd tell you that I only want to be able to claim your love as my own, as you would with mine.

I want to be able to come home to you at night and laugh the night away in bed.

I'd save my smile for you and you alone.

I'd punch out any guy who tried anything funny with you – not that you couldn't or wouldn't handle it yourself. I'd only do it to show I cared. You're not the only one who gets jealous, you know.

I hope you know I want to share my life with you. I want us to belong to no one but each other.

I'd like to think you want this too.

But the world's a sad place and you'll never be mine.

**Thanks for reading. Feel free to suggest any future chapters, offer any criticisms or just general feelings if you feel so compelled. **


	7. Words

**Author's note: Sorry for any delay. I just haven't had the inspiration to write lately. If you want to see things in any future chapters let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters**

I know how fond you are of poetry, so I thought I'd try my hand at some.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you'd kill me if you read this, but I love you…

God, that was shit.

I'm not a poet, Riza. You and I know that all too well. But if I was I'd write you poems like the ones you love to read. I'd use those words to capture your heart as you have mine. But every time I look at you my mind goes blank. So really there'd be no hope for that.

You know, if I was a musician – a good one anyway – I'd write you songs by the dozen. Hell I'd even sing them for you. It would like one of those cheesy romance novels. I'd come just below your window and sing you a song so deeply embedded in my own heart it'd move you to tears. But we both know I'm a terrible singer and this would never happen.

Then again, what if I was an artist? Would you object to being my muse? I suppose I wouldn't want to paint anything other than your sweet face. Is that weird? Whatever. I think I'd paint a mural for you, because even words can't begin to describe the way I feel about you. Maybe my art would evoke that. Could you even imagine me as an artist? Neither can I.

You know, what I'm writing isn't half bad – at least by my shitty standards. Maybe I should write a book. Surely you'd tell me to write a memoir of some sort. But honestly, Riza, who would want to read about me? Besides I don't think I could get my mind off of you for even a second. But hey, I'd read a book written solely about you.

And you know what? One day I'll write you the best damn poem there ever was. And I'll compose the most beautiful music for your ears only and sing it under your windowsill. And I'll paint the world for you. And I'll write a book about you.

But maybe not just you; maybe about us.

God, these are all just silly words though. You and I both know I'll never keep true to my word.

**Thanks for reading. Reviews are always appreciated, as are suggestions for future chapters.**


	8. Taunting

**Author's note: Thanks to Hawkstang for suggesting the "plot" of this chapter. I hope I did you justice**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters**

God, it was so real.

I woke up not knowing where I was, thrashing about in a bed too big for my own good until you came in to quell my fear. I stared up in confusion at the baby on your hip, the child in the doorway. I'm not a crier but damn I nearly started bawling. The little girl looked just like you, only with my eyes – I would have preferred yours. The baby had my dark hair but still his perfect face reflected your own.

The little girl had asked if I – _daddy_ – was okay. You assured her everything was alright and with that she jumped into the bed, straight into my arms. You sat down on the edge of the bed with the baby on your lap. You said something comforting and we all laughed and smiled contentedly.

I thought it was real.

For God's sake, I could smell our daughter's hair as I pressed a kiss to her head. It smelled like you; your perfume. I closed my eyes as the aroma flowing up my nostrils triggered the flash of memories.

A confession.

A kiss.

A wedding.

A country cottage.

A daughter.

A son.

I had believed it until the flood of falsities. There had been no military career, no wars, no corruption. The little girl put her hand on my cheek. _Daddy_ she had called me again. I opened my eyes once more and she ghosted. Her features were blank and pale, as were yours and the baby's.

You all faded away. The bedroom faded away.

And I floated into nothing.

Life really isn't fair sometimes. I wish it wouldn't taunt me so.

**Thanks for reading. Reviews and future chapter suggestions are always greatly appreciated. **


	9. Guilt

**Author's note: Sorry it's been a while. Idk how I feel about this one**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters**

I know you'd scold me for thinking this, but I blame myself for your time in Ishval. And you'd scold me even further if I told you that I tried to get you sent back home. I begged – can you imagine me begging? – to any higher ranking officer to let you leave that place. Although even if they'd agreed, I know you'd have declined.

And I didn't do it because I think you're weak, no. Honestly, Riza, you're one of the strongest people I know. But I was selfish.

I was scared.

Scared for you. Oh God, if anything had happened to you…

I'd never forgive myself. Hell, I probably wouldn't even want to live. Which reminds me, you swore to me once that you'd follow me into hell if I asked you. Well the saying goes both ways. But I digress.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel utterly responsible for any trauma you suffered. I know you joined the military because of me – or am I being egotistical – but again it goes both ways. I joined to protect you; to make this fucked up world a better place for you to live in. And I guess that begins a never-ending cycle that flip flops between us two.

It's all just fucked up, Riza.

**Thanks for reading. Reviews are always appreciated so please do**


	10. Confessed

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters**

I want to take it back.

I can't say that I love you.

I won't allow myself to admit it when I know nothing will ever come from it.

I was a fool to think I could ever change things in this damned country.

But things will never change. There's always going to be shit and we're always going to be fucked. You're always going to stare at me with those tantalizing and impossibly beautiful brown eyes – whether you realize it or not – and I'm always going to want to take your breath away by crushing my lips against yours.

You're always going to be a goddess in the heavens and I'm always going to be the foolish peasant who cast his eyes too high towards the sky; who allowed himself to catch a glimpse of your angelic presence and sink deeper into the dark pit he could never climb out of. I dared myself to dream, forgetting only idiots dream.

God, we both know I'm an idiot. And who am I kidding, I could never say I didn't love you.

But to dream is to die, I suppose. We're all dying anyway.

I may as well make use of my time.

**Thanks for reading. Any reviews or suggestions are always very welcome. I think this may be the last chapter I post, unless someone gives me a good idea for another chapter. Once again, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think**


	11. Hairbreadth

**Author's note: I got the suggestion for this chapter from jelexd so thank you for the idea and I hope I did you justice. Sorry that it's kind of short**

**Also this one is written in third person rather than in letter format like the other chapters**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters**

Riza let out an aggravated sigh. As usual, the Colonel's desk and the surrounding area were a complete mess and she would have to be the one to clean it up. She sat in his chair and began sorting the papers atop the desk. Unsigned orders and approvals, old strategic plans, personal notes, the variety of paperwork was innumerable. Riza shook her head, sighing again.

"Lazy fool," she mumbled to herself. She continued organizing until, at last, the rich brown of the desktop poked its way through the paperwork. A few minutes more and they were officially sorted into appropriate piles: to be saved, to be filed, and to be thrown away. Riza then opened one of the drawers and found it filled with crumpled up pieces of paper. She adjusted her feet and heard the crunch of crumpled paper. Looking under the desk, she saw several more balls of paper. Riza rolled her eyes and bent over to collect the ones under the desk, putting them on top of the desk. Figuring they may have been important, she smoothed out one of them. In addition to the wrinkles of the paper, the Colonel's handwriting was sloppier than usual so the words were hard to make out. Riza swore she saw her name…

"Lieutenant," the Colonel's voice called from the door. Startled, Riza dropped the paper in her lap. She stood up quickly and gave a salute. The paper fell to the floor. Roy stood in the doorway, looking wary.

"Forgive me, sir, I was just arranging the papers on your desk," Riza stated. The Colonel strolled into the room, stopping in front of her. He leaned down and picked up the piece of paper at her feet. Riza swore she saw a flash of anxiety as he grabbed it, crumpling it up once more.

"Unnecessary," he said coolly, recovering quickly. He reached around her and tossed the paper into the open drawer and shut it hard.

"My apologies," Riza said. The Colonel eyed her suspiciously, but concluded she had not seen anything she should have. He turned and walked over to the door. He paused in the doorway, turning his head as if he was going to speak. Shaking his head slightly he continued out the door. Riza was tempted to open the drawer again, for those were clearly papers not meant for her eyes. But she knew it was wrong, so she controlled herself and went over to her own desk to work.

Roy meandered through the halls of headquarters wondering if Riza had actually seen the letters. It was true, they were for her – sloppily and quickly written but nevertheless for her eyes only. And yet he did not want her to see them. Not yet at least. Perhaps, he wondered, there would come a day when he could give them to her.

But today was not that day. In fact, that day would not come for a long time.

When she was gone, he decided, he would burn the letters.

**Thanks for reading. Again, sorry that it's short but I felt that it didn't need to be very long. Anyway reviews are always appreciated and thank you again to jelexd for suggesting the idea**

**And again I won't be writing anymore for this story unless someone prompts me to do so**

**Thanks again**


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